I was born to a 15 year old girl in 1964. As she was too young to take care of me I lived with my grandmother until I was 4 years old when she was hospitalized for the long term effects of diabetes and eventually died. I went to live with one of my biological mother’s sisters along with her husband and two children (both older). I was never adopted officially because my dad didn’t feel like my mom let him be a father to me – she was probably protecting me because of my rough past. Subsequently, I grew up rather independent and didn’t open myself up – though I was often loud and disruptive. I guess I was afraid to get too close to people – fearing they might hurt me like I was hurt by my grandmother leaving me.

While I was in high school my mom was saved and began praying for me and sharing the gospel with me. As a typical teenager, I resisted and went about my way. Our school had chapel once a week and I enjoyed it, but didn’t fully understand why, I mean, I believed in God, that was all that mattered – right? I worked full time through most of my high school years, played sports and spent a lot of time with my sweetheart – not really paying much attention to my family. Still, I felt the tug, like a knot in my stomach whenever my mom would speak to me about salvation. I couldn’t trust anyone, I even feared that Jesus would let me down, hurt me. I remember my mom telling my girlfriend (now my wife) that I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me, and thinking that she was crazy. Truth be known, she was right. Still she (my girlfriend) stood by me.

College; I continued to work almost full time, played on the soccer team and was active in my fraternity. Through all of the partying, hard work and sports I actually managed to make my way through college, never really reaching my potential, just getting by. My senior year I even got involved a bit with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I didn’t go to church in college, or afterwards for that matter.

Right out of college we were married and settled down to middle class life. We attended church from time to time with friends or family, but never really hooked up anywhere. It wasn’t until after our daughter was born that the knot in my stomach came back again. It was while she was in preschool at a local Baptist church that we went to church a couple of times on Sundays. On more than one occasion I was burning up inside to answer the “alter call”, only to look at my wife and wonder what she would think, would she reject me, would she leave me like my grandmother did. So, I sat there and did nothing. You see, we didn’t communicate very well, I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to me to really open up to them – even my wife.

Fast forward a number of years, our daughter was in fifth grade and we were invited by one of our daughter’s friends mother to come to this “new church” that her husband was part of founding (Wendi and Dwight Irvin). It was Mother’s Day that weekend and my wife said she would like to check it out – so we did. Inside I was feeling different, excited, and anxious, like this was something good. We went (a little overdressed I guess – I mean, the pastor was wearing flip flops!) and enjoyed ourselves. The next Sunday, I was up early, making breakfast and getting cleaned up when my wife asked me what I was doing, I told her “getting ready for church”. She gave me a perplexed look and started to get ready as well.

Over the next year we attended church regularly, I joined a small group and dug deeper into the Word and felt a change coming over me. About a year to the date that we had begun attending Bridgepoint I gave my life to Christ. The knot was gone, now I just had to tell my wife. I let her know by telling her I was meeting with Dwight to talk about baptism. She was a bit shocked, asked why I hadn’t talked to her about it, I just told her “it was a personal decision”, which she understood. My life was beginning to change, I was becoming more open about my inner feelings, and I was feeling like I might be finally able to trust people.

Two things happened at my baptism that will forever be burned into my memory. First off, my mother, who sat at the edge of the pool in her wheelchair while I was baptized – gave me a pewter dangle of a cross for my keychain. She said she had bought three of them when she first was saved, one for each of her children – this was the last one she had been holding on to. As I write this I just picked up my keys and looked at it again. Sorry it took so long, Mom. The second thing was totally unexpected. I was standing there, dripping wet, looking out over the bay when my wife, out of the blue, came up from behind me and gave me a rib cracking bear hug. No words, she just grabbed me and held on. For the first time in my life with her I think she sensed that things really were going to get better, I was really going to be the man she deserved.

Long story, short – in the months following my salvation both my wife and daughter followed me in accepting Christ. They were baptized together – first time in my entire life that I was at a loss for words. I continue to grow in Christ every day, still exercising demons from my past and battling the knucklehead that I am. But I’m walking with Christ, hand in hand with my spouse and child and with the family of believers that we share our lives with.

I finally let someone get close to me…Thank you, Jesus for getting close to me.

By the way, we haven’t missed a Sunday at Church when were in town since that first one, it’s the least we can do to show our thanks for all He has done for us!

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Door Number 3

Death has always been difficult for me. The loss of a friend or a loved one has been a source of intense emotional pain. 9/11 left me with a sense of emptiness that I just can’t put into words. Even Easter Sunday brings a flow of tears as I imagine the suffering and sense of being so alone that our Christ experienced.

For me, Door Number 1, was the passing of my Father-in-Law. To be honest, our relationship was a struggle at the beginning. He didn’t see me as the ideal choice for his daughter, in fact our early years were full of conflict and misunderstanding. As the years passed, I mellowed and he grew to accept me. At least as a loving husband and solid provider for his daughter. He was one of those guys that had “The List.” When he retired he was going to… see “The List.” But, that wasn’t to be, they found he had stomach cancer and he suffered to the end. His wife, his daughters and I were all at a loss.

Door Number 2, was the loss of my Father. He had been struggling with heart disease for several years. His heart surgeon told him he was a great candidate for Open Heart and that he could expect 10 years of pain free life after the by-pass was completed. He didn’t survive the day. They told us to go home after the surgery was completed, he was resting comfortably, there was nothing for us to do and to come back later in the day. Something went dreadfully wrong and he was gone before we could get back to the hospital. I was crushed. For months I had a huge hole in my heart. Where were his 10 years? I’d never talk to him again…laugh with him…hug him.

Then came Door Number 3. My Mother’s health had been on a downward side for several years. Her issues seemed to mount as the years passed. It became so common for her to tell me she had some new issue that one Sunday we were talking and she told me “Well, you know I have Wrens!” “Wrens” I said…What’s that! What did your doctors say? I asked? She laughed and said “No you silly…wrens..the little birds! They’re nesting right next to the kitchen window.” But, the trips to the E.R. became more frequent and with each visit her recovery would be not quite as complete as the previous visit. But, something has changed, something within me, something was growing, a strength that I never could have known without Jesus. I was reading John Eldredge’s book “Desire” during her final month. One evening I read the chapter titled “The Great Restoration” and a sense of wonder overcame me. The image of renewal was so strong, I just can’t explain it. The next morning my brother called and told me I must come home…Mom is dying. I arrived at her bedside a day later…she woke and asked “Oh, what are you doing here?” I explained to her that this time she was going to go home. I asked her “ Mom, do you believe that Jesus was the Son of God?” and she said “Yes.” Those were her final words with me. She passed away 4 days later as I whispered in her ear “Mom, it’s okay…Gary and I will be fine, it’s time for you to let go, to be with our Dad, to be with your Dad and our heavenly Father.” She took one more breath and she was gone. But, something had changed. I knew she was free of pain, I knew she was restored to the beautiful young woman she had been, I knew that she had new work to do for our Master…and I knew I wasn’t alone, that I hadn’t been alone all along. That I was in the same hands my mother and father were in. The caring hands of our God. He knew what was going to happen and he provided me with the tools to deal with my grief. And, I am in his caring hands…I always was.

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Paul talks about his thorn (2 Cor 12:7) and the fact that that it will not be removed from him. Wow, can I relate. After being baptized in 1994, I moved my wife and son from Chicago to Denver in search for the next best job. God had impacted my life, and I needed to get the “rest” of it in line with the joy I was feeling. While in Denver, my daughter was born, and God placed me in the midst of a phenomenal group of brothers and sisters in Christ. I grew in ways that I am only now beginning to realize, but during this enormous blessing my “thorn” continued to remind me it was still there. Over the ten years in Denver, my job situation changed seven times, some I initiated and some I did not, but each time showed me that I did not have the control I thought I did. God blessed me over and over allowing each new chapter of my life to be a way to get closer to Him.

Then the “thorn” drew blood. The sixth company I worked for went bankrupt, and I had a choice to make, either open my own business or take a corporate job. I spent weeks and weeks in prayer and counsel on this decision because I knew I did not have a safety net financially. If my business failed, we had no way to pay the bills. Every person I received counsel from said opening my own business was the right thing but at that time I could only see the need for security for my family. The day came that I had to make the decision, and my wife and I were discussing what we should do. I told her that the corporate job would provide us the security we needed. She looked at me and told me that she did not feel that was the right thing to do. God had laid it upon her that we were to step out in faith and trust Him. Well, I was shocked because I thought the other decision was right for her. Now everything was pointing me to trust Him. So we did, and He blessed us financially for six months like I could never have imagined. I did not plan for the rainy day; I believed that this would last forever. Then September 11th happened, and I was half way across the country from my family and could not imagine how my life was going to change.

All of my business dried up in a short period of time and left us trying to figure out what to do for money. I went into this on faith, and I knew He would do something but it was definitely not what I wanted or expected. I went from flying around the country as a software consultant to searching for any job that I could get. Through a pastor at our church I began to work for a friend flipping houses. I had never done this type of work before, but it was money. We prayed, I searched for jobs, and swung a hammer everyday for many months. As the bills continued to mount I couldn’t figure out what I was going to do because the work from 6am to 6pm and the two jobs my wife had were not making it. I could not see a way out. One morning in the shower God spoke to me, (I know that sounds strange), but I heard Him say to me to be happy with what He had provided. This peace came over me as I got a picture of God providing manna daily for His people, just what was needed when they needed it. Wow, His manna was always on time whether it was a mortgage payment or groceries or consulting work. Things began to change again and a consulting contract came in that set things back on the right path. This would be a great place to end the story, but it doesn’t end there. For almost a year, we celebrated this contract and I was an example of trusting God. I spoke and taught about my experiences, and I felt the closest to God I had ever felt. My life changed because I saw God’s word come to life in my world. That thorn, although not hurting, was still there. This new contract came to a quick end, and I again was not prepared for that, but I knew what I needed to do because I had been there before, right? Not at all, I believe Satan planted doubt in my mind and it sounded like this, “God has continued to bless you and you keep screwing it up. At some point He will not be there because you haven’t done your part. You are not a good steward.”
As I prayed, or attempted to, this thought continued to play over and over. At first very softly, and I could ignore it because I has been through this and I knew God would show up. I continued to do the things I thought were right, the situation continued to get worse than before and the thought got louder until I could not hear anything else. I could not pray, I began hiding things from my closest brothers and sisters in Christ, the pressure was building and I could not find a way out. The thought was so loud one day that I had a severe migraine; I knew that God wasn’t going to save me from this one. That night I found myself outside at about 10pm standing on my deck looking up at the night sky filled with more stars that I have ever seen before. I began to literally scream at God. I don’t know how long I was out there but I screamed, cried, and pleaded until I almost collapsed. By the morning God relieved the pressure in my head and replaced that thought with “I will never leave you and never give you anything you can’t handle with me.” I would love to say God ended this story with a happily ever after, but it didn’t. There was no easy answer this time, but only another opportunity to step toward Him in faith again. He moved us to Florida for a new job but for about two years after that night He walked with me through a lot of problems. He taught me to live with Him driving at His speed. Sometimes I try to take the wheel and sometimes He shows me how wonderful total surrender is. To live the life He has planned for me I have had to realize two things: (1) I will always have my thorn and (2) that nothing matters as long as I am walking toward Him. Nothing is too big or too small for Him as long as we let Him have it and we journey with Him.

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I was very fortunate to grow up in home that nurtured spiritually as well as physically. I remember having my name in the church bulletin for memorizing scripture and winning Bible drills. From an early age I knew which Bible characters did what and quite a bit about their significance. I was taught right from wrong, I wanted to “walk in the light”. I understood at an early age that I wanted to work for Jesus, as my 8 year old self put it.

Getting to know myself through middle and high school proved very difficult. There were many things about myself and about God that I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how love and hate could exist together. I couldn’t question the authority, so it was as it was and that was it. At that time, it was obvious that there was one thing keeping me from truly letting Christ reign in my life.

Fearful of my own demons, I didn’t share it with anyone but God. I pleaded with Him to take away the one thing keeping me from being His child. Many days, I felt so far from God because of this one thing I couldn’t control and God wouldn’t take it away. The final conclusion I came to was that God must hate me, there is one thing keeping me distant, I’ve asked Him to control it but He won’t. I left.

I wanted to reject everything I had ever known about God, Jesus and Christianity. I found myself in shouting matches with other Christians over the eternal fate of my soul. I didn’t care anymore. Youth groups had rejected me because of this one thing, if I changed I was ok, but I wasn’t “cool” as long as that one thing was there.

Fast forward about 4-5 years after graduating high school: I’ve settled down with a wonderful person and I’ve accepted that I’ll never belong in God’s family because He never took that one thing away. One thing that disconnected me from Him, but connected me to so many other people that had also felt as if they’re tie to God and the church had been cut by one thing.

I remember one night while drinking I found myself defending the faith that I thought I had lost. “Where did this come from?”. I decided that I would challenge the authority I wasn’t allowed to years earlier in school. After heart felt soul-searching, and weeping, I began what I though would be a long journey to see if this one thing really meant God didn’t love or accept me. The feelings everyone I knew changed about me because of this one thing. When it came to light, this one thing made my best friends turn on me, my parents became mournful, I was devastated. To allow myself back into this situation to be hurt and have no one to help me was scary.

I remembered the verse that has always given me comfort, “I know the plans I have for you.” It was a promise that even this one thing wouldn’t negate.

I have found that this one thing God blessed me with was not a curse as I had been taught for so long. This one thing, that God gave me has allowed me to look at the world differently. The struggle I thought I was on alone has been marked by God showing Himself to me and keeping His hand on me. It’s His unconditional love that transformed my life. With one thing that people find repulsive in me, He taught me how to see Him in everything, it’s usually what the world considered most repulsive that He taught me to love and see the most beauty in. The commitment an 8-year old made in the front pew of Baptist church, has not been fulfilled, it’s an ongoing commitment that my life will serve as an example of one thing: That the love of God is more powerful than anything imaginable.

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My story begins simply enough. It’s probably not all that uncommon a story really, I’m sure. Yet it was this one experience that I can pinpoint as the one moment in time wherein my one life was changed.

I was a bit troubled after the ugly separation and divorce of my parents at the tender age of 9. But that was only the beginning of a series of traumatic events and later child abuse that would ultimately end in some pretty serious drug abuse, increasingly bizarre and perverse behavior and a careless disregard of life and people. (The abuse I suffered was not at the hand of my parents. I would just like to make that clear).

I spent many years trying to recover from the unusual circumstances of my youth. Traveling extensively, I spent most of the time drunk or feasting on a smorgasbord of drugs of one sort or another, having meaningless sex with anonymous partners, living without purpose, empty from a lack of contact with my terminally ill father and broken hearted, missing the one girl who had become the love of my life and the thread by which it was tethered.

It wasn’t until I received the phone call announcing the imminent death of my father that I realized I couldn’t go on any longer on my own. The burden of a life lost, my longing for a love fulfilled and an out of control lifestyle meant to blot out the pain, led me to the breaking point. Wondering drunk and stoned through a completely unfamiliar neighborhood in an unfamiliar town, begging for the life of my father and to be reunited with my missing soulmate, I unintentionally stumbled onto the sprawling lawn of a local church and found myself gazing up at a giant cross adorning the front of the church. I instantly and without hesitation dropped to my knees, weeping openly, begging God to help me make it through.

It was then that I set out on the one path leading to a relationship with the One, God, which then led me a couple of years later to a personal relationship with the one Christ.

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