My 1 Story

Paul talks about his thorn (2 Cor 12:7) and the fact that that it will not be removed from him. Wow, can I relate. After being baptized in 1994, I moved my wife and son from Chicago to Denver in search for the next best job. God had impacted my life, and I needed to get the “rest” of it in line with the joy I was feeling. While in Denver, my daughter was born, and God placed me in the midst of a phenomenal group of brothers and sisters in Christ. I grew in ways that I am only now beginning to realize, but during this enormous blessing my “thorn” continued to remind me it was still there. Over the ten years in Denver, my job situation changed seven times, some I initiated and some I did not, but each time showed me that I did not have the control I thought I did. God blessed me over and over allowing each new chapter of my life to be a way to get closer to Him.

Then the “thorn” drew blood. The sixth company I worked for went bankrupt, and I had a choice to make, either open my own business or take a corporate job. I spent weeks and weeks in prayer and counsel on this decision because I knew I did not have a safety net financially. If my business failed, we had no way to pay the bills. Every person I received counsel from said opening my own business was the right thing but at that time I could only see the need for security for my family. The day came that I had to make the decision, and my wife and I were discussing what we should do. I told her that the corporate job would provide us the security we needed. She looked at me and told me that she did not feel that was the right thing to do. God had laid it upon her that we were to step out in faith and trust Him. Well, I was shocked because I thought the other decision was right for her. Now everything was pointing me to trust Him. So we did, and He blessed us financially for six months like I could never have imagined. I did not plan for the rainy day; I believed that this would last forever. Then September 11th happened, and I was half way across the country from my family and could not imagine how my life was going to change.

All of my business dried up in a short period of time and left us trying to figure out what to do for money. I went into this on faith, and I knew He would do something but it was definitely not what I wanted or expected. I went from flying around the country as a software consultant to searching for any job that I could get. Through a pastor at our church I began to work for a friend flipping houses. I had never done this type of work before, but it was money. We prayed, I searched for jobs, and swung a hammer everyday for many months. As the bills continued to mount I couldn’t figure out what I was going to do because the work from 6am to 6pm and the two jobs my wife had were not making it. I could not see a way out. One morning in the shower God spoke to me, (I know that sounds strange), but I heard Him say to me to be happy with what He had provided. This peace came over me as I got a picture of God providing manna daily for His people, just what was needed when they needed it. Wow, His manna was always on time whether it was a mortgage payment or groceries or consulting work. Things began to change again and a consulting contract came in that set things back on the right path. This would be a great place to end the story, but it doesn’t end there. For almost a year, we celebrated this contract and I was an example of trusting God. I spoke and taught about my experiences, and I felt the closest to God I had ever felt. My life changed because I saw God’s word come to life in my world. That thorn, although not hurting, was still there. This new contract came to a quick end, and I again was not prepared for that, but I knew what I needed to do because I had been there before, right? Not at all, I believe Satan planted doubt in my mind and it sounded like this, “God has continued to bless you and you keep screwing it up. At some point He will not be there because you haven’t done your part. You are not a good steward.”
As I prayed, or attempted to, this thought continued to play over and over. At first very softly, and I could ignore it because I has been through this and I knew God would show up. I continued to do the things I thought were right, the situation continued to get worse than before and the thought got louder until I could not hear anything else. I could not pray, I began hiding things from my closest brothers and sisters in Christ, the pressure was building and I could not find a way out. The thought was so loud one day that I had a severe migraine; I knew that God wasn’t going to save me from this one. That night I found myself outside at about 10pm standing on my deck looking up at the night sky filled with more stars that I have ever seen before. I began to literally scream at God. I don’t know how long I was out there but I screamed, cried, and pleaded until I almost collapsed. By the morning God relieved the pressure in my head and replaced that thought with “I will never leave you and never give you anything you can’t handle with me.” I would love to say God ended this story with a happily ever after, but it didn’t. There was no easy answer this time, but only another opportunity to step toward Him in faith again. He moved us to Florida for a new job but for about two years after that night He walked with me through a lot of problems. He taught me to live with Him driving at His speed. Sometimes I try to take the wheel and sometimes He shows me how wonderful total surrender is. To live the life He has planned for me I have had to realize two things: (1) I will always have my thorn and (2) that nothing matters as long as I am walking toward Him. Nothing is too big or too small for Him as long as we let Him have it and we journey with Him.

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